Four

Today is the fourth anniversary of my sons birth. I mark this date on my calendar but when I think of how old he should be I use his November due date. So he should be about 3 1/2.

I counseled a co-worker today about her recent loss. Her due date was yesterday. She hadn't really thought about it, she has a lot of other emotional things going on in her life. But she did say that since June has come all of her emotions about her miscarriage have returned. I assured her that was normal, that the sadness never goes away we just find a way to incorporate it into our lives. For me, that's having the chance to council other families experiencing loss by working with Share.

My husband took the girls to our sons grave today. He even posted a picture on Facebook. I am amazed at the way he grieves, I just never know what he's going to do. He had Dominic's name tattooed on his arm (along with the girls' names) but he didn't often speak about him. I feel like just recently he has been able to express himself. I'm proud of him that he is able to express his grief.

My oldest daughter had a rough time when I got home tonight. My husband said she had been just fine until then. She was very weepy, and this wasn't just 'I'm tired' crying. This was real sadness, she really misses her brother. Even though she never met him, she has always known about him and she is just now starting to understand what that loss means to her. It brings a whole other level of sadness. As a parent the sadness of the loss of a child is overwhelming, but watching your child be deeply sad over the loss is an emotion without words.

Birthdays

I love birthdays. I think they are so special. This is the day YOU came into the world. Everyone should have a day to be celebrated and feel special.

When my son died in 2010 I had a hard time with birthdays. My son died in June and I completely ruined my husband's birthday in September. I just couldn't imagine celebrating anyone's birthday when my son wouldn't be here to celebrate any. It seemed so unfair. Hell, it is unfair. It has been slowly getting better. Both of my girls are also born in June, making it a very emotional month.

Since both Chelsea & Bethany are born in June, we plan a big party every year. My husband and I love to host a good party. We have had a party almost every year since we moved in in 2008. So last year and this year we have had a theme for the party. Mostly, because it's for the girls, but who doesn't love  theme! Chelsea LOVES pirates, so last year the theme was pirates. We had matching shirts and we all got pirate hats. Some of the guests participated too. It was sooooo fun.

This year we are having a princess and knight theme. I have painted a knight and a princess and cut the head out so the kids can look through and have their picture taken (see pictures). I am in the process of making, cutting out and spray painting shields so the kids can decorate them. We have princess crowns and wands too. I really love this stuff. I try to do it on a small budget, so the picture cutouts are made of cardboard and are held up by scrap wood my husband had hanging around.

My parents never did anything like this for us, I'm not sure where the love of birthdays and themes comes from, but I hope it's something my children remember and look back on and smile.

here I am with Chelsea making the pinata.

This is the design a shield place

my best friend and her husband being good sports.

All of us in the bounce house!